The BIGGEST Waste of time

It’s probably (collectively) the costliest, most aggravating and pointless thing you can get diverted by, but inevitably (?) ends up consuming an enormous amount of the valuable May through October time during which us northern types should be up to better things. Grass.

First of all, there’s the financial commitment – lawnmower, gas, seed, sod, fertilizer, water, watering accessories, edging material, contract pest and lawn care services – that’s probably just a decent start. For those of us who have a proclivity for premium spending, “upgraded” versions of the above cost a king’s ransom.

Secondly, of course, there’s the time commitment. Especially in the early growing season, the nicer the weather, the more of it you spend pushing (or riding), watering, picking stray weeds and so forth. I’d bet it amounts to a day a week at those times.

Finally, there’s what I call the “perfection” compulsion. Once you’re past a “not bad” lawn, the drive to push onward and upward becomes almost impossible to resist, despite the ever-diminishing return for ever-increasing effort. Besides, who wants to have the crappiest lawn in the neighborhood? (That’s rhetorical. As the occasional owner of that distinction, I know the answer.)

Well, PHOOEY on all that! I’ve had it. I’m building a new house and I’ve decided to just OPT out.

I will have what I call a “commemorative” lawn only – exactly one (1) square foot in area, to remind me of what I won’t be missing. About once a month, I’m going to make a big production out of going out to cut it with a set of dog clippers. I’m going to make sure my neighbors, who religiously fire up the old Briggs and Stratton Saturdays and Sundays are aware of just how much effort I’m putting into the whole exercise.

The rest of the time, I’m going to put on a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and listen to Miles Davis while sitting on my balcony – literally and figuratively – above it all.

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