Big (FAT) Ideas

I read in the sports section the other day that an NFL player claimed a $75,000 contractual bonus for showing up at training camp “in shape”. You want to know what’s weird about that? Well,…, (for starters) it was for coming in at less than 378 pounds!

How does a “professional athlete” do anything remotely athletic at that commodious area code? Yeah, I know they show poker and darts on The Sports Network, but no one seriously thinks of those guys as athletes. (Honestly, can anyone who carries around that much bulk be called an “athlete”?)

OK, if you’re a professional (something or other) you probably know what’s expected in terms of performance. Why does anyone have to pay you extra for coming to work prepared to do your job? (This guy must have a fantastic agent to get him paid extra for just being ready to do what he’s paid for.)

As I was mulling this over, a truly scary thought occurred to me: What if Andrea Horwath reads the sports pages? Knowing how she likes to slim down (the wallets of) all those corporate fat cats (you know, “employers”), this might have the makings of a whole new wealth transfer “program”- mandatory payments by employers for their employees losing weight.

Imagine all the potential spin-off benefits  – a new bureaucracy to monitor weight loss initiatives by business; maybe a weight-loss ‘equity’ commission (you know, to promote gender fairness); perhaps a new Ministry of Self-Realization, etc.?

Of course, weight loss on the part of individuals could not be made mandatory, so there’d have to be accommodation made for all those sad folk feeling bad about themselves for their continuing bulkiness, so each employer would also have to provide access to counselling for just continuing to “be themselves”.

Couldn’t happen, right? Uh,…, RIGHT?

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